there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
