you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
