The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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