When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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