im about as happy as oj after his trial
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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