just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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