he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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