i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
