so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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