My liver just broke up with me...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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