Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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