do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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