woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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