What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
