I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
