woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
