i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this beer tastes like vomit already
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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