Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
