I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
