When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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