my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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