I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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