Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
3pm strippers are depressing
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
