I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
