i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
