Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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