Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
