All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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