Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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