god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
