Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I look better un-naked...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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