how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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