so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it was like eating out sand paper
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
