If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
