My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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