Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
