What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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