Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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