I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
