Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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