somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
