I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
