handjob tips. give me some.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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