Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
