Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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