hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
