Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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