oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
