i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
