I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
